My teenage son walked through the kitchen the other day as my husband and I were embracing and mumbled to himself that he was going to write his own book. It would be called How I Survived My Parents’ Romantic Marriage: A Tell All! This made me laugh but also reinforced that we are doing something right.
It has long been a goal for my husband and me that our children grow up in a healthy marriage where love and affection are displayed in many forms. They hear sweet words spoken between us and read notes left by the coffee pot or tea cup. They see us embrace and kiss as we are folding laundry. They join in as we pray our rosary in our rocking chairs on the front porch and sometimes walk by in wonder (or embarrassment) as we dance in the kitchen. It is a blessed marriage and we cling to these moments with immense gratitude and humility. With 28 years of marriage behind us, we know the work it takes to keep the lights on.
Intimacy is often thought of in a sexual way, especially when I speak to engaged couples who are preparing to be married. The truth is that intimacy starts way before marriage and needs to be nurtured continuously throughout the years together.
If you think of the definition of the word intimacy, a deeper knowing of that person would perhaps come to mind. To say you know someone intimately means you are trusted with their thoughts and their heart. If we back that up and ask ourselves what is necessary to get to that momentous place, we can see that intimacy is in fact born out of trust, vulnerability, and a desire to know the other on a deeper level. We build intimacy through listening to the other, serving the other, and having eyes to see their needs and wants. We sit with them in their sorrows and we rejoice with them in their successes. St. Thomas Aquinas says that, “Love is to will the good of the other.” Intimacy is built with thoughts and actions such as these.
I recently had a talk about relationships with my teenage daughter who is soon to head to college. We talked about what it looks like to live in a balanced relationship and she said, “Mom, I think when you love someone, you think of their needs above your own, and ideally they do the same, and that brings a level of trust that both your needs will be met.” I smiled at this sentiment because hopefully she sees this idealism lived out.
There is a reality that life with its hardships and unexpected surprises often mandates that the scales tip a little with one giving more for a season. We have walked through seasons where loving someone intimately means that we dip into our reserves to care for the kids or each other; seasons where we dig deep and remind ourselves of who we are as a couple.
Ironically, I remember those seasons with a depth of wonder. Having eight kids means many opportunities to grow in grace. I remember holding onto each other as we trudged up the stairs to change medicines in an IV for our daughter or bandages for our son. Seasons where my husband traveled frequently and for long periods, and I balanced home, work and kids by myself and a season where cancer hit our family and my husband balanced his job, caring for me and the children.
The beauty is that through it all, we fell more in love with each other. Intimacy is a goal for our marriage and we continue to strive toward it. Even in the difficult, we dance in that kitchen. We snuggle under blankets, and we thank God for the gift of one another.1 Peter chapter 4:8 says, ”Above all else love each other deeply.” An intimate life in all its forms and beauty comes from intentions such as these.
This article also appeared at the Catholic Times
